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pool；　bring　it　up　to　your　roof；　and　don？t　forget　the　hundredbottles　of　Evian。　Now　that？s　what　I　call

a　private　party。

？

2）　The　AC　at　Barneys　is　to　die　for。　I　suppose　it　isn？t　terriblysunny；　but　if　you？re　trying　on　bikinis；

it？s　almost　like　being　at　thebeach。

？

3）　Three　words：　Tasti　D…Lite。　（Or　is　that　a　two…word　hyphenate？）Okay；　so　Tasti　D　is　totally　five

years　ago；　but　you　know　you　wantsomething　cool　and　sweet。　And　if　you？re　really　not　going

tomake　it　to　the　beach　this　summer；　do　me　the　favor　of　forgettingabout　the　calories　and　slurping　up

some　hazelnut　gelato　fromCones。　Yum。

？

4）　You　did　say　you　were　in　summer　school；　right？　Um；　hello；isn？t　it　airconditioned？　If　you　don？t

know　the　answer；　you　bettercheck　the　attendance　policy　again！

？GG

beach　blanket　bingo　rules　and　regulations

For　you　lucky　ones　staying　cool　at　the　beach；　don？t　worry；　I　haven？t　for…gotten　about　you　either。

The　most　important　thing　to　remember　this　summer？and　this　is　for　your　own　good；　as　well　as

everyone　else？s？　is　that　when　New　Yorkers　transport　their　social　scene　from　the　chic　Manhattan

bars　to　the　sandy　Hamptons　beaches；　we　transport　our　social　rules　as　well。　After　all；　we　have　to

have　some　kind　of　order　in　place。　So　for　those　not　in　the　know；　the　unspoken　rules　of　beach

etiquette　that　you　absolutely　must　obey　are：

1）　Wear　big　sunglasses　if　you？re　going　to　stare。　And　you　know　you？re　going　to。

2）　Leave　at　least　four　feet　between　your　towel　and　that　of　your　neighbor　（and　that　is　the　bare

minimum；　only　in　the　direst　of　situations。）　If　you　think　being　packed　like　sardines　in　a　hot　subway

car　is　bad；　imagine　feeling　that　way　for　four　hours　straight　with　hardly　any　clothes　on。　Nobody

needs　to　be　that　up　close　and　personal。

3）　I　don？t　care　if　you？re　Ricky　Martin？no　Speedos；　please！　Actually；　especially　if　you？re　Ricky

Martin。　Ick。

4）　Same　goes　for　scary　amounts　of　chest　or　back　hair。　Wax　it　off；　cover　it　up；　or　stay　at　home！

It？s　that　simple；　gorilla　boys。

5）　When　rubbing　sunblock　on　a　friend　or　significant　other；　don？t　get　too　frisky。　We？ve　all　seen

ladies　do　the　girl…on…girl　thing　in　bars　to　get　attention；　and　we？ve　all　seen　couples　making　out　in

dark　corners；　and　both　those　acts　are　even　tackier　in　broad　daylight。　Trust　me；　there　are　other　ways

to　get　people　to　notice　you。　I　should　know。

some　burning　questions

Running　the　gossip　mill　isn？t　all　parties　and　pi？a　coladas；　you　know？　it？s　a　round…the…clock　job。

Okay；　fine；　it？s　a　lot　of　parties　and　pi？a　coladas。　Maybe　I？m　not　saving　lives　in　the　ER；　but　I？m

saving　your　social　lives；　people；　and　that？s　every　bit　as　important。　For　those　non…believers；　I？ll

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